Grateful
This year has been tough. I mean it's been tough for everyone, but even before COVID-19, even before the murder of George Floyd, even before a no-deal Brexit loomed, I was finding things tough.
Looking back, 2019 was the year that piled on the pressure, the year things went from just about manageable to overwhelming, but I thought I was ok. I thought that three active kids and full time work were possible to combine. Sure, I didn't do anything for myself, but which mum does? Marek and I didn't have much time as a couple, but which parents of young kids manage to prioritise partnership over organising logistics and keeping food on the table?
The stress at work was an important factor, but even without a year of being professionally undermined, dreading walking into that office and having all control over my work taken away, I might have cracked.
That morning in the middle of January when the tears wouldn't stop and I saw the panic in my colleague's face changed everything. I did what I was told and went home, saw a doctor, took a break. I thought it would be a couple of days, then the doctor said a couple of weeks, and now, well now it has been five months since my last morning at work.
Those first few weeks I did my yoga, I tried to breathe and calm the turmoil of my mind that would not stop whirring. I was desperately trying to find a new balance, asking for local help for childcare, trying not to be the perfect wife, mother, woman I was striving for, but to be happy with 'good enough.' I was getting there, when COVID struck.
There were wonderful moments in those seemingly endless weeks of having the three girls home, and there were very tricky times. Having family meals three times a day meant helpers to peel the carrots and lay the table, but nerves that frayed from the sisters' close proximity. We did family workouts in the garden, baked biscuits together and piled onto bikes for outings in the neighbourhood. We had zoom meetings with friends, watched astronauts reading us stories from space and listened to childrens' radio shows. We cuddled and rested, and argued and shouted. It was intense.
Louise went back to the creche first, and as restrictions were lifted the big girls discovered neighbouring twins who fast become firm friends. A bit of space came back into our lives and tension decreased. I realised that I'd let go of the yoga and meditation and slipped back into packing in the activity and distraction.
The schools have been back for a week. Marek is also back at the office one week out of two. Summer looms, and the challenges of another extended school break present themselves, but I feel after the year we've had so far, we will manage.
This morning, after the school run, I drank my coffee on the balcony. I sat, breathing, feeling the gratitude that this break from my out of control life has afforded me. I am so grateful. Grateful for my wonderful family. Grateful for the women who supported and challenged me this weekend in the two of the three-day "what's next in life?" coaching we have organised. Grateful for a husband who has quietly accepted my need for space at this moment in our hectic lives.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to breathe, take a break and discover my new direction.
Looking back, 2019 was the year that piled on the pressure, the year things went from just about manageable to overwhelming, but I thought I was ok. I thought that three active kids and full time work were possible to combine. Sure, I didn't do anything for myself, but which mum does? Marek and I didn't have much time as a couple, but which parents of young kids manage to prioritise partnership over organising logistics and keeping food on the table?
The stress at work was an important factor, but even without a year of being professionally undermined, dreading walking into that office and having all control over my work taken away, I might have cracked.That morning in the middle of January when the tears wouldn't stop and I saw the panic in my colleague's face changed everything. I did what I was told and went home, saw a doctor, took a break. I thought it would be a couple of days, then the doctor said a couple of weeks, and now, well now it has been five months since my last morning at work.
Those first few weeks I did my yoga, I tried to breathe and calm the turmoil of my mind that would not stop whirring. I was desperately trying to find a new balance, asking for local help for childcare, trying not to be the perfect wife, mother, woman I was striving for, but to be happy with 'good enough.' I was getting there, when COVID struck.
There were wonderful moments in those seemingly endless weeks of having the three girls home, and there were very tricky times. Having family meals three times a day meant helpers to peel the carrots and lay the table, but nerves that frayed from the sisters' close proximity. We did family workouts in the garden, baked biscuits together and piled onto bikes for outings in the neighbourhood. We had zoom meetings with friends, watched astronauts reading us stories from space and listened to childrens' radio shows. We cuddled and rested, and argued and shouted. It was intense.
Louise went back to the creche first, and as restrictions were lifted the big girls discovered neighbouring twins who fast become firm friends. A bit of space came back into our lives and tension decreased. I realised that I'd let go of the yoga and meditation and slipped back into packing in the activity and distraction.
The schools have been back for a week. Marek is also back at the office one week out of two. Summer looms, and the challenges of another extended school break present themselves, but I feel after the year we've had so far, we will manage.
This morning, after the school run, I drank my coffee on the balcony. I sat, breathing, feeling the gratitude that this break from my out of control life has afforded me. I am so grateful. Grateful for my wonderful family. Grateful for the women who supported and challenged me this weekend in the two of the three-day "what's next in life?" coaching we have organised. Grateful for a husband who has quietly accepted my need for space at this moment in our hectic lives.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to breathe, take a break and discover my new direction.
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