Employee

It took me four years to consider going back to an office job. Building up an association had been new, meaningful, and something I could do at my own pace, surrounded by friends and supporters. Once my fried brain had rebuilt itself, once my fragile nervous systems had regained some resilience, once my exercise and wellbeing routines had been established, and (let's face it) when my last savings had gone and the Belgian state was no longer willing to support me, that's when I went back. 

I was worried though. That final, decisive driving factor had been financial. Taking the development of the association at my own pace had meant slow but steady growth of the membership - their fees were enough to cover costs, but my work was voluntary. And it was work, not 'work'.

I'd learned so much over those four years, about myself, about burnout, about Brussels beyond the bubble. I'd learned about my values and behaviour patterns, not least through my coaching training, and leading a coaching group of women really took me out of my comfort zone, but the financial contributions they made were absorbed by JobYourself fees and insurance. 

My path had taken some twists and turns. and sure, I'd gone down some dead ends, but I was grateful for even these. I feel like only now am I truly realising that mistakes just don't really exist - a choice that you feel is right in that moment might not be right forever, but there is always the possibility to get something out of it. 

Still, when my lack of financial contribution to the family was having a negative effect on people I love, I faced the facts. I could get a job to tide me over, to test the waters, to see how I managed. I felt like I was ready but I wouldn't know until I jumped in again. I was loving the contact with local people, the meaningful connections, and the positive feedback from the association work was feeding my sense of self worth. But I had to admit I missed the bigger picture - the feeling of contributing on a larger scale, of international teams bridging gaps across an entire continent. This is what I decided to go back to. 

No question of getting a meaningless job, I would need something in line with my values. Equality and anti-discrimination fit the bill nicely. A role in membership that I was overqualified for was perfect too - membership is my thing, and a familiar set of issues to deal with, even if all the people were new, was reassuring. An officer position after roles as coordinator and head did not even bother me - I am after all also a co-founder, a director, a mother, a head chef, an assistant gardener, a family project manager... What's in a title?

It was fascinating to compare the work I started being paid for - comfortable tasks that I could perform using limited creativity but relying on my years of experience - and the voluntary work I continued in evenings and weekends - developing new ideas, making links with new partners, managing people and pitching for funding, for which I was only paid in recognition and gratitude from others. I am grateful for these months and what I have learned, or been reminded of.

Work is work. Making a contribution to a bigger picture is valuable whether someone is paying you or not. Value does not equal money. But bills must be paid and children need to eat and finding a balance while juggling all that is a challenge I am enjoying a surprising amount.