beckity

Molly flashed past, grinning and reaching out a hand to tickle her baby sister on my lap, who laughed appreciatively. I grabbed Molly before she got too far away, pulling her close and kissing her head. Molly stopped then, leaning into me, and putting her hand out again for Louise. 'Mummies' she said quietly, looking at her baby sister intently, as if she was going to impart some of her deepest wisdom, 'are for kisses.' Louise smiled and waited, looking at Molly to finish off what she was going to say. 'And daddies are for cuddles!' she finished, tickling Lou's tummy again and rushing off, before she could be cuddled or kissed any more.

It's all so hectic. And I knew it would be, it's just even more than I thought. Even more love, even more frustration, even more to do, even less time. Full time work, which stops at 5pm, to be taken over by full life work. Music and dance lessons, gardening and cooking to do, reminders of scout camps and sports days to act on, running groups and yoga classes in my lunch break, lists and lists and lists. I have always struggled with letting things go, the move to write a blog was another way of recording life as it flashes by, like the photos. Ironic that I don't even have time for this. But today I thought to myself, 'I want to remember. I need to write it down' so here we are. I want to remember the laughter that comes from an 8 year old, a 5 year old and an almost 1 year old during dinner, when the 8 year old tells a joke, that the 5 year old gets and finds funny. The sound when the baby joins in, enchanted by the happiness surrounding her, completes the ...

Louise was fifteen weeks old on Friday. She was due twelve weeks ago, with a cesearean planned for thirteen weeks ago, but that would have been boring. Fifteen weeks ago on Friday, I was working my last day before maternity leave. I was working from home because the previous day I’d left the office at lunchtime and gone to the hospital with contractions. I couldn’t get comfy and moved from Pilates ball to standing desk without being able to concentrate on my work. The rest of my team was in Estonia, at an event that I’d been working on for months. I gave up trying to clear my few outstanding items and told an intern on my way out that I needed to get checked out at the hospital. The midwife examined me and told me I was all closed up - the contractions were quite regular and close together but she said they were only practising. She told me to go home and rest. So I did. In the night, I was woken by period-like cramps on and off. Since I had only ever experienced ...

17 February 2018 The baby is three months old. When we booked our week in the mountains she had not even made her appearance yet. We couldn’t get her plane ticket because she didn’t have a name yet. The idea of a holiday with a baby seemed so simple. Then she arrived, three weeks early and raring to go. We became reacquainted with sleepless nights  and relived the same breastfeeding trials issues we had had with her sisters. I expressed milk every three hours day and night for eight weeks until she had learned to latch and extract milk on her own. A holiday with a baby started to seem like folly, but there was no going back. We returned from our week in the mountains this morning and I am full of wonder for our little baby bundle. She did herself proud and it showed me that if you dare, you can be pleasantly surprised. Every time I geared myself up for another first, reasoning with myself that if it was a huge failure, at least we tried, she got on with it. I went skiing, so ...

She didn't need any help with the poster, had it all mapped out in her head. Votez pour Elsie! it said in big letters, each coloured a different colour of the rainbow. She stuck a photo of herself in the corner and carefully wrote out key words to remind her what to say when they did their presentations. Pas timide et courageuse; j'ecoute les autres; joyeuse. All qualities that she thought would win over her classmates. Once the poster was done it was time for bed. Elsie turned and looked at me on her way up the stairs. 'Mummy' she said in a quiet sad voice. 'I don't think they'll pick me.' *** Bounding in through the door, her first words were 'I am the delegue de classe!' I was overjoyed for her, thrilled her confidence had been given the boost she deserved. 'Well done!' How did the presentation go?' I asked. 'I told them everything, and they gave me ten votes. The others got 4 and 2. Yasmine got 1.' At dinner she...

It’s funny, you start a family and it’s all new and terrifying and exciting, then bit by bit you get good at planning and organising and soon you’re used to having the lunch boxes ready each morning and getting the homework book signed and life is pulling you along in the fast continuous current and then one day, a couple of months before your third child is brought into the world, you stop. I stopped. I stopped and stepped back and took a good look at this life I have here. Sitting in a cafe on my day off this week, I ordered a coffee and glass of water. I sat by the window and watched the world carrying on outside, feeling smug that I had the luxury of taking a break from it all for a change. I thought about how rarely I do this, but how my body was increasingly encouraging me to do it more often. I thought about life, about my work, my wonderful life partner, my incredible kids. The radio was playing Queen. I've paid my dues, time after time. I've done my sentence, But c...

Elsie knocked on the window and waved. She pressed her drawing up against the glass and I smiled up at her and carried on raking the leaves. Molly was with Marek, further back in the garden, putting the ivy branches and leaves he was ripping off the fence into the big compost bin. She had to stand on her tippy toes but she was doing a great job. I finished the last pile of leaves and grabbed the brush. There were more leaves round the front. I swept down the path and out onto the pavement. A man was walking down the road so I left the rest of the pavement and went to the leaves on the drive. As the man passed, he turned and said something. "Sorry?' I paused in my sweeping, and the man asked me directions to the local swimming pool. I leaned on the broom, pointing the direction and he smiled and thanked me. As I returned to my task, I noticed he hadn't moved. I thought he was saying something else. "Sorry?" I repeated, and he explained that he'd told a...