Weekends as parents

Marek and I got up really early today. It was silly, before 7am, but it was the usual Saturday buzz - a day to get the things done we need to so we can relax on Sunday. Ha.

Elsie had arranged to meet a school friend to sell cookies and cupcakes in the entrance of an exclusive supermarket to make money for their scout camps. She couldn't sleep and decided to make more cake, just in case. She expertly produced half a dozen plain, half a dozen chocolate and half a dozen choc chip cupcakes before leaving us the kitchen to tidy and the pans to clean, but she's only 12 so we let her off...

Louise had Polish school in the morning so we left Molly home with the rabbits while we drove Elsie to meet her schoolfriend. Louise and I dropped her off, spoke to the friend's mum and stayed long enough for Louise to be their first client. She took a chocolate chip cookie for Polish school and a coconut thing I knew she wouldn't eat but paid them each a fiver to get them off to a good start. 

We drove to the Polish school and I took Louise in, confirming with her teacher that we'd like her to stay for next year and ordering her books to confirm her place.

Home again, we had time for a coffee before Molly and I went to see how Elsie was getting on selling her wares. They had not got permission to stay in the exclusive supermarket so had moved to a much quieter entrance of the less exclusive shopping centre down the road. 13 euros each. 5 of which had come from Louise... oh well, next time maybe they'd listen when a mum suggested they call and make sure they'd have permission on the day.

Elsie, Molly and I went into the shopping centre to pick up a present for Louise's friend Pietro. I got him a set of aeroplanes that you build and decorate yourself. I worried that if Pietro had been a Petra I would have chosen something else, reminded of the comment Louise had said earlier. 

"What shall I get Pietro?"

"Something nice, for a boy"

Elsie's face had been a picture. "What does that mean Loulou? All toys can be played by girls and boys! N'importe quoi !"

Anyway, I paid, got it gift-wrapped and picked up a free birthday postcard for Lou to write on later. Marek was getting the food shopping done so we hopped in a bus to go home. 

When Lou came home from Polish school we had lunch and there was no time for a nap or quiet time (the high point of most weekend days) before the card got written and we had to take her into town for Pietro's party. It was being held at a kids' bookshop in the centre.

Drop off, bus home, dishwasher empty, and a quick trip to look at bikes for Marek before pick up. This time Elsie and Molly in the car with us - Elsie only temporarily before being dropped at a local shop she saw a nice t-shirt in... Molly with us the whole way, picking up Louise, walking through central Brussels to get her sleep mask she's been asking for since the nights have got lighter, and the waffle they decide to buy with their pocket money. One each, hot fresh and delicious.

I'm lagging by now, but when we get home it is dinner time and the stir fry ingredients are ready for me to chop. Elsie has even peeled some carrots for me, as requested. 

We eat. The girls are snapping at one another, we are all tired. We warn the bigger girls to be kind to one another. We remind them that the day has been a long one. We ask for cooperation.

As Marek is reading to Louise, Molly snaps. Something unidentified has pushed her over the edge and she is screaming, running to her room, doors slamming behind her. I go to her and keeping my voice quiet and calm, try to help her see past the crisis. It's too soon, and she asks me to STOP TALKING. I stop. She's angry, then very, very sad. I stroke her leg and feel helpless. She kicks her bed, over and over, I'm afraid she is going to hurt herself, or break something. I ask her to stop. She doesn't. I hear my voice rise in volume. She kicks, she kicks. I realise I am shouting. STOP!

Later, when she's calm, when we're on the sofa, arms around one another talking about how to change this repeating pattern, she confesses she does not know why it happens or where it comes from. I suggest we talk about how we're feeling more, not just when we're upset, but when we're happy too. My theory, I tell her, is that if we ignore our feelings too long, we get a big buildup that we don't understand and before we know it we are feeling completely out of control. If we can put words to it, and talk about it, we understand it and we don't get taken by surprise. We agree to try.

I am now sitting on the sofa, reviewing the moments of the day and asking myself how I'm feeling. Marek's talking to me about Brexit, I'm digesting my day. 

I am feeling proud, like I took care of my kids today. I helped Elsie learn that a little organisation goes a long way. I got Molly to reflect on her out of control time and tell me that being there for her without talking helps. Small steps but important ones. We got Louise to her Polish school and to a party with a gift. 

I am also feeling exhausted, like today has been all about everyone else. The longest time I had to myself was on the bus, between dropping Louise at her party, getting Elsie to her t-shirt shop and taking Molly into the centre with us to collect Lou. The day revolved around the kids and their needs. Today, like other days.

Finally, I am feeling very grateful for Marek. Today was teamwork and smooth teamwork at that. We communicated, we shouldered the burden and we got shit done. He provides the quiet solid foundation of our life with its bursts of passion and drama. 

Actually, that wasn't the final thought. The final thought is that tomorrow is Sunday and we have nothing planned. That is such a luxury. Child free adults might go for a pub lunch and a countryside walk with no playground in sight. I won't get that, but I do feel really lucky that although our Sunday will probably feature a swimming pool or bike ride fit for little legs we will have a relaxing day together, the complicated, demanding, exhausting but exhilarating five of us. Life is now and I am trying to be present for all of it.