beckity

Louise stops her balance bike and turns to me. 'Road!' she says, pulling her bike towards the curb. 'No, Louise. You're too little to ride your bike on the road.' She stops and considers this. 'Maman, velo, road!' She says. 'Yes, I cycle my big bike on the road' 'Papa, velo, road!' 'Yep, daddy cycles his big bike on the road too.' 'Elsie, velo, road. Polly, velo, road.' 'We all have big bikes Loulou.' I explain. 'You're still too little to go by yourself on the road with your bike.' 'Maman big velo. Loulou teet' 'Yes, you're petite. Louise is still a bit small.'

I go carefully, pushed by an inner pressure, but careful not to lose my footing. The tightrope stretches far out ahead of me and I shift the weight of the backpack as I make my steady way forward, on and on. Someone hands me an awkwardly shaped bowl, one I need to stretch my fingers out to balance on the palm on my left hand. I wobble, but regain my balance and keep going. A hat is placed on my head. It's itchy and ill-fitting but if I keep my head straight, it stays on. I keep moving, trying to ignore the stretch in my left fingers and noticing for the first time the weight tied around my right wrist. In some ways it balances out the left, but it seems to be getting heavier. My arms are held our wide, to help with the balance, and hold the bowl, but they are getting tired. My legs too, always so strong, are beginning to shake. I pause, breathe, and restart. My mind shifts from one discomfort to the next. Maybe if I just pull my fingers together a bit, the bowl won't feel so aw...

At 6.30am we get up before the kids, get ourselves washed and dressed and lunches packed before coaxing three sleepy heads out of their beds. Marek takes Louise and I get on my bike and try to keep up with the two big ones, down the road, over the boulevard and parked up in front of the school. Kisses, bags and off they go. I notice I don't have my keycard so cycle home before heading off to work. I go to a short meeting, chair the Monday morning staff meeting, sort through my emails, drink a couple of coffees and catch up with colleagues, settle down to a chunk of work and suddenly it's lunchtime. Back on the bike, I go home, make a quick sandwich and settle down in front of my computer to finish some work bits before picking up Elsie and Molly in time for Elsie's music lesson, with a quick trip to the shop for some essentials. The bike trip to school and home is quick. The girls unpack bags, Elsie grabs her ballet bag and music folder and we get back on the bikes ...

Molly has always been impulsive. Loud, attention-seeking and even violent behaviour has often covered up her kind and loving core. We try to make space for her, but squashed in the middle, we often see her frustrated and angry. It’s difficult to be a six year old, particularly with a slightly older sister who is very good at everything and a toddling little sister who eats up a lot of attention. It was the day after our big party: a party at which Molly had been in her element. Lots of children to play with, and lots of Aunties to jump on and Uncles to run away from shrieking. She’d loved every moment and there were comments about how like Piotrus she was. Ah yes, Piotrus. We had promised the girls a swim in the hotel pool before we left. We had our wedding at that hotel, and the big girls’ christenings and yet we’d never made it to the pool. Elsie discovered at 8.35am t hat it would only be open until 9am, so she and Molly went ahead with Granny and Gra Gra. I...

Molly flashed past, grinning and reaching out a hand to tickle her baby sister on my lap, who laughed appreciatively. I grabbed Molly before she got too far away, pulling her close and kissing her head. Molly stopped then, leaning into me, and putting her hand out again for Louise. 'Mummies' she said quietly, looking at her baby sister intently, as if she was going to impart some of her deepest wisdom, 'are for kisses.' Louise smiled and waited, looking at Molly to finish off what she was going to say. 'And daddies are for cuddles!' she finished, tickling Lou's tummy again and rushing off, before she could be cuddled or kissed any more.

It's all so hectic. And I knew it would be, it's just even more than I thought. Even more love, even more frustration, even more to do, even less time. Full time work, which stops at 5pm, to be taken over by full life work. Music and dance lessons, gardening and cooking to do, reminders of scout camps and sports days to act on, running groups and yoga classes in my lunch break, lists and lists and lists. I have always struggled with letting things go, the move to write a blog was another way of recording life as it flashes by, like the photos. Ironic that I don't even have time for this. But today I thought to myself, 'I want to remember. I need to write it down' so here we are. I want to remember the laughter that comes from an 8 year old, a 5 year old and an almost 1 year old during dinner, when the 8 year old tells a joke, that the 5 year old gets and finds funny. The sound when the baby joins in, enchanted by the happiness surrounding her, completes the ...

Louise was fifteen weeks old on Friday. She was due twelve weeks ago, with a cesearean planned for thirteen weeks ago, but that would have been boring. Fifteen weeks ago on Friday, I was working my last day before maternity leave. I was working from home because the previous day I’d left the office at lunchtime and gone to the hospital with contractions. I couldn’t get comfy and moved from Pilates ball to standing desk without being able to concentrate on my work. The rest of my team was in Estonia, at an event that I’d been working on for months. I gave up trying to clear my few outstanding items and told an intern on my way out that I needed to get checked out at the hospital. The midwife examined me and told me I was all closed up - the contractions were quite regular and close together but she said they were only practising. She told me to go home and rest. So I did. In the night, I was woken by period-like cramps on and off. Since I had only ever experienced ...